My grief expands
and engulfs me like quicksand.
I try to pick myself back up, and try to stand
in the loose sands of my emotions;
but I’m lost in the rivers and the oceans of the inner and outer commotion.
Looking and yearning for a potion
to make me better again.
Everything I lost has come with a cost and no matter how hard I fought it was already gone.
My complete love or forgiveness can never be bought with your sickening sweet words when all you did was stab me with poisonous swords.
I’ve been bleeding out ever since, frantically putting bandages over these deep wounds
just so I can present myself unamused
to those who never cared for me or saw me for me.
I’ve retreated back into my cocoon
trapped within this doom
that no one else really sees.
And all this place does to me
is remind me of my pain; it is a stain I can never wash out
There is always a bad taste in my mouth.
I remember how I tried so hard to be
everything and enough
to be cool and tough
interesting and allusive
but still conducive
to the image you wanted to project and protect
Did you ever notice me to this effect? Or perhaps you were so full of yourself
because you were always erect
with the thought of your own importance
never aware of my torment.
I think about how I wanted you
to understand deeply what made me blue
but also how I yearned for you to see
my passion for art and the things that made my heart skip a beat
Yet you never cared to immerse yourself so intimately into me
Everything was made to feel like a task you had to complete
But one thing I have learned
is that we are always incomplete
we are works in progress
tethered to our feet
I gave up so many parts of myself for you
allowed you to change and rearrange me
as I gave up the things that saved me
because that’s how much I loved you.
Where am I going…
I don’t know anymore
I saw you the other day
I’m still not okay
Will you be there
Do you even care?
It is all a blur.
Lost but found.
I find myself in the way that you touch me.
With you, I am lost in the sea.
Our feelings envelope us.
Floating up
I could never get enough of this sweet loving bliss.
Savoring your kiss
I feel like I’ve grabbed hold of the wind
As we make love in our den.
Rewind
Standing up
The heat rushed
And I saw through your eyes
A palpable rewind.
A descent into space
The treacherous moment of a heart that raced
When life was not so kind to you.
So through your pain
and the mind’s insane
I became
What I am not,
For you.
Our shared pain is not some silly game
I have felt that same stain of people’s disdain.
I understand you.
I can hold your hands, but your emotions can take you away far from this land.
My mind paces
Heart races
Within their faces, they confine me.
I never knew that I wasn’t free
And didn’t want to believe in me.
But I’ve been stepping out of my skin
And expanding my mind..
What am I trying to find?
Beyond my own physical form
I know there is more.
Behind celestial and hidden doors
I know there is more.
Pieces of me
Belong to the sea.
A place where I can’t breathe,
now wouldn’t that be free…
I wonder what people see in me
What looks back I wouldn’t say is me, but through these windows of fear and deception
I soar
Beyond what I can conceive
Into new territories.
This isn’t a story that I can just tell.
I went through too much hell,
but I am tired of hiding.
I want to go back to finding
Our depths
Through the liquid mess of chaoticness.
I wonder what pieces of me are floating around out there
Unhinged and deepened
Will I ever know?
Her depths were always her own
but in loneliness, a part of her was sewn.
Unmastered emotion
Becoming the ocean in which she drowned.
The mirrored pool of her youth.
Grasping at the fine air, in which she believes
she is alone.
There is nothing that we truly own
All we have are these bones.
I’ll confess
Existence is just a beautiful mess.
Not a fiddle for you to play
Not a formless piece of clay.
Tired of those greedy hands
Feeling justified in what they command.
Not a pice of land for you to plow.
Don’t speak to me now
Your words are still foul.
There is nothing genuine or true
I’m just another female to you.
Catch me in your dreams
Because in reality I am not what it seems.
I’ll see past that face
I’m learning life’s race, and I refuse to be another case.
I’m a person just like you
Leave that player shit at the door
For it no longer serves me anymore
I am open and free
But this world has taught me disbelief
In myself and others.
I’m tired of these covers
Let me be, let my tired heart be.
People will use your pain for what they can gain.
So much commotion for meaningless false notions
When love is as endless as an ocean.
Let me be
Let my tired heart be.
The air melts away
cascading my world.
Feet on solid ground,
eyes swirl.
I become my breath,
the life that surrounds.
It is the depth of the profound.
Vibrational pull,
sing me your lull.
Twist me into a new form,
and show me my ways so I can conquer my storms.
The journey is long,
and I have my fears.
They break me down,
and salvage my tears.
That sweet song…
that has sung for a millennium will continue its hum,
And I will sink into its embrace.
Don’t change yourself for me
Align our sighs
With each other in mind
And lets taste the divine
Of me and you
You and I
The world is full of these
And we only have to be.
Blooming through the fumes of misconstrue.
Foundational roots in solitude.
The engulfing blue.
I can see heaven in your eyes
The Sunlight kisses me
and I wave goodbye.
I am going to the sea
Never to Return
but let our desires continue to burn.
Laying here
On a plum night
I no longer want to fight
with myself or anyone.
I dream of you holding me tight.
Soaking you in
through finger tips
Experiencing this new love
in sips.
You make me feel sweet, sweet bliss
As I feel you trailing my body
through your finger tips.
We kiss and kiss and kiss
As if we were each other’s everything that we have ever missed.
Our hearts longing created such tender belonging.
To L.
You satisfy my sighs
and electrify these nights.
When the moon is the brightest
my mind is the quietest
Only footsteps can be heard
and the fleeting words of my existence.
Feelings of you are often persistent
as I wander into my own silken depths.
My body aches
remembering our nest…
It is there that we undress and confess our most loving and troubling protests.
Bare
we stare
and stare
into one another’s souls.
It is there that we share the golden pear
Juices overflowing
reality; bowing
in and out of our daily knowing
into a ravenous moment
where skin meets skin
and we sin after sin
while tasting each other
in our love den.
The wind rushes through;
My feet dissolve under me
Becoming the air that I breathe
I am set free
from this calcium cage.
Inhale me like burning sage.
In love with your skin
And that feeling within
Take away these false ideals
And show me what is real.
I know of my purpose
and of my might
But this life takes much insight.
Blinded by the guise
Doubt
arise.
I’m stuck in between these pages
but they are written by the sages.
The infinite pen
has already seen where I have been
Simply a matter of when.
Can’t get lost in this game
for fabricated glory and fame.
There is a secret under our nose
Discover the code and fall into the flow.
It ebbs and connects us all in its web.
Let us fall into its mystery
For time is too brief for all this sadness and the madness.
It is the unknown that is most comfortable.
The foreboding is a fable
Meant for us to be unstable
We are our own pioneers.
I am here
I am here
I am here
…
Still so much that I fear
But I can’t be held back for it is already near
and my downfall will be my own lack.
So what will I do with the here and now?
I’ll bathe within the profound
and melt
into
the sound
lessness
The doubling suspense.
Those silent moments
inside your room
blinded by your own doom
the tormented body
moves for you
with you.
You are the architect of your mind…
what will you find?
I see you peeking behind that door that you frequently leave sore.
Running head first into your thirsts
you never thought it was a curse.
The becoming of your unbecoming.
Instruments of illusion
will always cause these delusions.
I find myself musing within the confusion.
Love wraps around
like the sweetest sound.
Its embrace can make your mushy heart race.
But love has her ways.
Some days it isn’t kindness she displays.
A sharpness that comes around that can bring you through the ground.
To live in the clouds
Oh how I would if I could.
Skipping freely, twirling endlessly.
No cares up there, a place where you drink in the air and bathe in the sky
Stop all your wondering why’s as you float on by
Rain drops from your captivating eyes
Gazing into your heart, my lips part as our souls embark
into the dark
Colors contemplate and shift states
as my existence mellows
Love is yellow.
And gazing with the eyes of a child
My mind is wild
Could you imagine…
to live in the clouds?
Oh how we should, if only we could.
I’m the crazy one?
When before we were one.
I bathed in your sun
for far too long
Burnt by your gaze
left me in a transient daze.
Lost within the heat my heart beats and beats
and I let my feet carry me into oblivion.
Why was I so crazy for you?
Was I better before I knew you?
Before I knew I wrote about how you and I would drift apart.
You left before you knew you did.
And left me alone,
always alone.
Holding my bones I sunk like stones
and felt that I had nowhere else to go.
But water still flows where people have directed it not to go
the flowers and weeds still grow through the concrete
that hidden power is something that we can never beat.
So I’ll take a seat and look towards the sky
and dive into the miracle that is life.
The warm glow
on your patio
eases me into
my own shadow
As we look at the stars and watch passing cars
Our hearts beat together
In the plum forever.
Still living in the eve of my pain
Submerging into toxic waste
The sky swells
And here I dwell
Insecurity feasts
as I become incomplete
I feel as if I am something that has wasted away;
A tortured beast.
Bathing in the light you shine on me
Nothing else matters
I’m consumed
as my soul
blooms
into
you.
Consuming your mind…
It begins to unwind
and twist
with persistence.
It beats
It is alive.
And knows how to thrive on the inconsistencies of the mind.
I’ll live in the shell fostered by my own bones.
Realizing one’s worth
Alone.
Cherish the ghost you think is me.
But I will always be expanding my seas.
Like water to sand
I will
disappear
and emerge
But only on my own terms.
The wave that shatters the gaze, brings a new bay
Soft golden brown
Warm and sweet
like coffee
in the morning heat.
It is almost like sound
with how it surrounds.
The sweet melody swirls around
and on my tongue
Lavender burns.
My toes curl
mind unfurls.
The bitter comes with the sweet
Somewhere…
our eyes meet.
Zeroing in on its prey
The eyes pave way…
An invisible contortion
Of the airs distortion
A split in space
the zephyr vibrates.
body shakes,
It knows it’s fate.
...
Are you tethered between your thoughts;
trapped within a box
Of the delusion
And life’s beautiful confusion?
...
What is your place between these states?
Do you see with your eyes, or with the lies?
What do you see, are you me…?
What he sees in me
I believe
Fearful of the leap
..though the past is not what I shall keep
because the future is deep.
Languid eyes
The feeling seeps
as
I fall
i
n
t
o
space.
love continues to keep my heart at a race.
bring no haste, but a steady pace
as we fall into each other
Lover,
Let us uncover
what we internally smother
and hide from one another.
The passion dances on her lips
Lips she kisses you with
Do you feel it?
Or do you see just a girl filled with the meaningless wonders of this world?
Can I make your toes curl
As I unfurl.
This color reminds me of cotton candy and the past
Past lovers that is…
A sickly feeling crept in
As the moon casted its light on my evening skin
Where do I begin…
Can I invite you into my den
And let you in
to all that has made me feel dim.
I walk alone
Running away is what I know
I no longer love the one that I used to cherish
His presence used to make me want to perish
But now I’m here, still floating
But now I’m grounded, no longer loathing
Thank you for the lessons
I see the pain as a blessing.
Cocoon
I made myself a cocoon
Watched it grow and form with the new moon
It fostered my storms
but part of me and of not
It wasn’t what I fully sought.
Carving into my own flesh and bones
Desperately trying to find home.
This skin…
The feeling within…
The walls I had built to protect this soft body
Proved to be nothing more than a foolish hobby.
An entire universe is forming
and the childish ways I am unlearning
Transforming
Transforming
Transforming
No need for mourning.
Shattering to pieces, my cocoon collapsed
and fighting the urge to relapse
I flew and flew until there was nothing more to do.
I found my way
and became the new day.