My grief expands

and engulfs me like quicksand.

I try to pick myself back up, and try to stand

in the loose sands of my emotions;

but I’m lost in the rivers and the oceans of the inner and outer commotion.

Looking and yearning for a potion

to make me better again.

Everything I lost has come with a cost and no matter how hard I fought it was already gone.

My complete love or forgiveness can never be bought with your sickening sweet words when all you did was stab me with poisonous swords.

I’ve been bleeding out ever since, frantically putting bandages over these deep wounds

just so I can present myself unamused

to those who never cared for me or saw me for me.

I’ve retreated back into my cocoon

trapped within this doom

that no one else really sees.

And all this place does to me

is remind me of my pain; it is a stain I can never wash out

There is always a bad taste in my mouth.

I remember how I tried so hard to be

everything and enough

to be cool and tough

interesting and allusive

but still conducive

to the image you wanted to project and protect

Did you ever notice me to this effect? Or perhaps you were so full of yourself

because you were always erect

with the thought of your own importance

never aware of my torment.

I think about how I wanted you

to understand deeply what made me blue

but also how I yearned for you to see

my passion for art and the things that made my heart skip a beat

Yet you never cared to immerse yourself so intimately into me

Everything was made to feel like a task you had to complete

But one thing I have learned

is that we are always incomplete

we are works in progress

tethered to our feet

I gave up so many parts of myself for you

allowed you to change and rearrange me

as I gave up the things that saved me

because that’s how much I loved you.

Where am I going…

I don’t know anymore

I saw you the other day

I’m still not okay

Will you be there

Do you even care?

It is all a blur.

Lost but found.

I find myself in the way that you touch me.

With you, I am lost in the sea.

Our feelings envelope us.

Floating up

I could never get enough of this sweet loving bliss.

Savoring your kiss

I feel like I’ve grabbed hold of the wind

As we make love in our den.

Rewind

Standing up

The heat rushed

And I saw through your eyes

A palpable rewind.

A descent into space

The treacherous moment of a heart that raced

When life was not so kind to you.

So through your pain

and the mind’s insane

I became

What I am not,

For you.

Our shared pain is not some silly game

I have felt that same stain of people’s disdain.

I understand you.

I can hold your hands, but your emotions can take you away far from this land.

My mind paces

Heart races

Within their faces, they confine me.

I never knew that I wasn’t free

And didn’t want to believe in me.

But I’ve been stepping out of my skin

And expanding my mind..

What am I trying to find?

Beyond my own physical form

I know there is more.

Behind celestial and hidden doors

I know there is more.

Pieces of me

Belong to the sea.

A place where I can’t breathe,

now wouldn’t that be free…

I wonder what people see in me

What looks back I wouldn’t say is me, but through these windows of fear and deception

I soar

Beyond what I can conceive

Into new territories.

This isn’t a story that I can just tell.

I went through too much hell,

but I am tired of hiding.

I want to go back to finding

Our depths

Through the liquid mess of chaoticness.

I wonder what pieces of me are floating around out there

Unhinged and deepened

Will I ever know?

Her depths were always her own

but in loneliness, a part of her was sewn.

Unmastered emotion

Becoming the ocean in which she drowned.

The mirrored pool of her youth.

Grasping at the fine air, in which she believes

she is alone.

There is nothing that we truly own

All we have are these bones.

I’ll confess

Existence is just a beautiful mess.

Not a fiddle for you to play

Not a formless piece of clay.

Tired of those greedy hands

Feeling justified in what they command.

Not a pice of land for you to plow.

Don’t speak to me now

Your words are still foul.

There is nothing genuine or true

I’m just another female to you.

Catch me in your dreams

Because in reality I am not what it seems.

I’ll see past that face

I’m learning life’s race, and I refuse to be another case.

I’m a person just like you

Leave that player shit at the door

For it no longer serves me anymore

I am open and free

But this world has taught me disbelief

In myself and others.

I’m tired of these covers

Let me be, let my tired heart be.

People will use your pain for what they can gain.

So much commotion for meaningless false notions

When love is as endless as an ocean.

Let me be

Let my tired heart be.

The air melts away

cascading my world.

Feet on solid ground,

eyes swirl.

I become my breath,

the life that surrounds.

It is the depth of the profound.

Vibrational pull,

sing me your lull.

Twist me into a new form,

and show me my ways so I can conquer my storms.

The journey is long,

and I have my fears.

They break me down,

and salvage my tears.

That sweet song…

that has sung for a millennium will continue its hum,

And I will sink into its embrace.

Don’t change yourself for me

Align our sighs

With each other in mind

And lets taste the divine

Of me and you

You and I

The world is full of these

And we only have to be.

Blooming through the fumes of misconstrue.

Foundational roots in solitude.

The engulfing blue.

I can see heaven in your eyes

The Sunlight kisses me

and I wave goodbye.

I am going to the sea

Never to Return

but let our desires continue to burn.

Laying here

On a plum night

I no longer want to fight

with myself or anyone.

I dream of you holding me tight.

Soaking you in

through finger tips

Experiencing this new love

in sips.

You make me feel sweet, sweet bliss

As I feel you trailing my body

through your finger tips.

We kiss and kiss and kiss

As if we were each other’s everything that we have ever missed.

Our hearts longing created such tender belonging.

To L.

You satisfy my sighs

and electrify these nights.

When the moon is the brightest

my mind is the quietest

Only footsteps can be heard

and the fleeting words of my existence.

Feelings of you are often persistent

as I wander into my own silken depths.

My body aches

remembering our nest…

It is there that we undress and confess our most loving and troubling protests.

Bare

we stare

and stare

into one another’s souls.

It is there that we share the golden pear

Juices overflowing

reality; bowing

in and out of our daily knowing

into a ravenous moment

where skin meets skin

and we sin after sin

while tasting each other

in our love den.

The wind rushes through;

My feet dissolve under me

Becoming the air that I breathe

I am set free

from this calcium cage.

Inhale me like burning sage.

In love with your skin

And that feeling within

Take away these false ideals

And show me what is real.

I know of my purpose

and of my might

But this life takes much insight.

Blinded by the guise

Doubt

arise.

I’m stuck in between these pages

but they are written by the sages.

The infinite pen

has already seen where I have been

Simply a matter of when.

Can’t get lost in this game

for fabricated glory and fame.

There is a secret under our nose

Discover the code and fall into the flow.

It ebbs and connects us all in its web.

Let us fall into its mystery

For time is too brief for all this sadness and the madness.

It is the unknown that is most comfortable.

The foreboding is a fable

Meant for us to be unstable

We are our own pioneers.

I am here

I am here

I am here

…

Still so much that I fear

But I can’t be held back for it is already near

and my downfall will be my own lack.

So what will I do with the here and now?

I’ll bathe within the profound

and melt

into

the sound

lessness

The doubling suspense.

Those silent moments

inside your room

blinded by your own doom

the tormented body

moves for you

with you.

You are the architect of your mind…

what will you find?

I see you peeking behind that door that you frequently leave sore.

Running head first into your thirsts
you never thought it was a curse.

The becoming of your unbecoming.

Instruments of illusion

will always cause these delusions.

I find myself musing within the confusion.

Love wraps around

like the sweetest sound.

Its embrace can make your mushy heart race.

But love has her ways.

Some days it isn’t kindness she displays.

A sharpness that comes around that can bring you through the ground.

To live in the clouds

Oh how I would if I could.

Skipping freely, twirling endlessly.

No cares up there, a place where you drink in the air and bathe in the sky

Stop all your wondering why’s as you float on by

Rain drops from your captivating eyes

Gazing into your heart, my lips part as our souls embark

into the dark

Colors contemplate and shift states

as my existence mellows

Love is yellow.

And gazing with the eyes of a child

My mind is wild

Could you imagine…

to live in the clouds?

Oh how we should, if only we could.

I’m the crazy one?

When before we were one.

I bathed in your sun

for far too long

Burnt by your gaze

left me in a transient daze.

Lost within the heat my heart beats and beats

and I let my feet carry me into oblivion.

Why was I so crazy for you?

Was I better before I knew you?

Before I knew I wrote about how you and I would drift apart.

You left before you knew you did.

And left me alone,

always alone.

Holding my bones I sunk like stones

and felt that I had nowhere else to go.

But water still flows where people have directed it not to go

the flowers and weeds still grow through the concrete

that hidden power is something that we can never beat.

So I’ll take a seat and look towards the sky

and dive into the miracle that is life.

The warm glow

on your patio

eases me into

my own shadow

As we look at the stars and watch passing cars

Our hearts beat together

In the plum forever.

Still living in the eve of my pain

Submerging into toxic waste

The sky swells

And here I dwell

Insecurity feasts

as I become incomplete

I feel as if I am something that has wasted away;

A tortured beast.

Bathing in the light you shine on me

Nothing else matters

I’m consumed

as my soul

blooms

into

you.

Consuming your mind…

It begins to unwind

and twist

with persistence.

It beats

It is alive.

And knows how to thrive on the inconsistencies of the mind.

I’ll live in the shell fostered by my own bones.

Realizing one’s worth

Alone.

Cherish the ghost you think is me.

But I will always be expanding my seas.

Like water to sand

I will

disappear

and emerge

But only on my own terms.

The wave that shatters the gaze, brings a new bay

Soft golden brown

Warm and sweet

like coffee

in the morning heat.

It is almost like sound

with how it surrounds.

The sweet melody swirls around

and on my tongue

Lavender burns.

My toes curl

mind unfurls.

The bitter comes with the sweet

Somewhere…

our eyes meet.

Zeroing in on its prey

The eyes pave way…

An invisible contortion

Of the airs distortion

 A      split      in     space 

the zephyr vibrates.

body shakes,

It knows it’s fate.

...

Are you tethered between your thoughts;

trapped within a box

Of the delusion

And life’s beautiful confusion?

...

What is your place between these states? 

Do you see with your eyes, or with the lies?

What do you see, are you me…?

What he sees in me

I believe

Fearful of the leap

..though the past is not what I shall keep

because the future is deep.

Languid eyes

The feeling seeps

as

I fall

i

n

t

o

space.

love continues to keep my heart at a race.

bring no haste, but a steady pace

as we fall into each other

Lover,

Let us uncover

what we internally smother

and hide from one another.

The passion dances on her lips

Lips she kisses you with

Do you feel it?

Or do you see just a girl filled with the meaningless wonders of this world?

Can I make your toes curl

As I unfurl.

This color reminds me of cotton candy and the past

Past lovers that is…

A sickly feeling crept in

As the moon casted its light on my evening skin

Where do I begin…

Can I invite you into my den

And let you in

to all that has made me feel dim.

I walk alone

Running away is what I know

I no longer love the one that I used to cherish

His presence used to make me want to perish

But now I’m here, still floating

But now I’m grounded, no longer loathing

Thank you for the lessons

I see the pain as a blessing.

Cocoon

I made myself a cocoon

Watched it grow and form with the new moon

It fostered my storms

but part of me and of not

It wasn’t what I fully sought.

Carving into my own flesh and bones

Desperately trying to find home.

This skin…

The feeling within…

The walls I had built to protect this soft body

Proved to be nothing more than a foolish hobby.

An entire universe is forming

and the childish ways I am unlearning

Transforming

Transforming

Transforming

No need for mourning.

Shattering to pieces, my cocoon collapsed

and fighting the urge to relapse

I flew and flew until there was nothing more to do.

I found my way

and became the new day.